


My Year in Lists

by donniedont



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, College, Multi, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-17
Updated: 2012-11-17
Packaged: 2017-11-18 20:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/565062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donniedont/pseuds/donniedont
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony challenges himself on his 18th birthday to come out to his parents as bisexual, admit his feelings for Rhodey, and reduce his drinking.  The direction his life takes makes achieving these goals extremely difficult.  Deals with emotional abuse, alcoholism, and unhealthy reactions to canonical deaths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Year in Lists

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from a Los Campesinos! song with the same name. This is my first fic I've put up on AO3 and my first MCU fic. Please enjoy!

It appears that a backtrack is in order.  A “Previously on the Poor Life Decisions of Anthony E. Stark,” if you will.

Grew up in New York, unless he was growing up in Malibu.  Turned seven and get sent away to boarding school.  Went to college way too young.  MIT, to be exact.  Made a grand total of one friend (Rhodey.  James Rhodes.  Air Force ROTC.  The one who deals with him hung over, deals with him discovering too many vices at once.  The one with the steady hands and the  _always being there for him_  and  **stop** ).

 

There are also a bunch of enemies (people who are jealous.  People whose attempts at getting money from him failed.  People who didn’t listen to him when he said he would love to sleep with them, but not fall in love with them).  There were also the various girls that he slept with and the grand total of four guys, as well.  The number of guys is easier to recall.  It’s not because the women aren’t great.  It’s just that each encounter with a guy was carefully arranged with hushed voices and ended with a weird, dirty sensation of “I am ashamed of this, wait,  _why am I ashamed of this_?”  Because there was nothing to be ashamed of.  He liked both and he was pretty sure if he pieced his life together in regards toward the people he found attractive he’d realize he always liked both for as long as he was aware that people had parts between their legs that could be touched for pleasure.

 

*

 

And back to the (present) Life of Anthony E. Stark.

Tony decided to make an internal contract with himself.  If he ever settled down (emphasis on the “if” with “settle down” utilizing the Tony Definition, which was “wanting to do more than go out to fancy restaurants, sleep with, and not talk to again until he takes them out to dinner again.”)  He’d tell his parents.  No matter whom the person was.  And deal with any possible dramatic coming out fall out that may occur.

“Man, my dad’s going to be pissed if he finds out his only son is half gay,” Tony stated, a little too loud, in Rhodey’s room one night as Rhodey tried to get him to sleep.

Rhodey nodded, because he was used to being his secret-keeper on this subject.

Tony laughed triumphantly and froze.  ”He’s… he’s called me worse than that, you know.”  His voice became softer until it was a weak whisper, “Totally… like… I’ve only been smacked, like, once or twice?  Yeah.  But… the shit he called me…” For a fleeting moment he swore he could hear his father yell his favorite names for Tony— sissy, soft, queer…  ”…Oh God.”  And no.  He didn’t cry.  He trained himself to avoid that.  Instead, he forced himself onto Rhodey’s bed and faced the ceiling the rest of the night, drumming his fingers over his hollow-feeling chest.

Rhodey accepted these meltdowns and how they occurred every few months.  The only variation would be the location of these meltdowns.  Sometimes, Rhodey would hold him.  Other times he didn’t.  But when he did, Tony would whisper, “This isn’t making it any easier.”

*

Sometimes, Tony would be somewhere and he would be on an emotional upswing.  He would tell himself that maybe Rhodey dealt with him all the time, because he had feelings, too.  And when he was about the spiral out of control, he thought about how wouldn’t it be nice if they actually got together and were two, cool dudes running businesses and flying planes, until he fell and realized that Rhodey definitely wasn’t into guys and was in the armed forces, anyway, and Tony had successfully blown out and talked himself out of saying a word to Rhodey or anyone.  Sometimes he’d flash back to overhearing his father in-between his belittling of every fiber of his mother’s being, saying that Tony needed to go to an all-boy’s boarding school.  He was too soft, too girly, too femme to be the heir of Stark industries.

On his eighteenth birthday, as his mother and Obie took him and “Any friend you would like” (Rhodey) out for a celebratory lunch.  He swore up and down he wasn’t going to become Howard “Sorry, honey, he had a meeting.  Unexpected.  Wait, he still hasn’t called you?” Stark.  He even made a list in his head as to what he wanted to achieve with his eighteenth year to avoid this transformation:

1\.  Drop the “Just so you know, I’m bi” bomb on his parents.  
2\.  Probably tell Rhodey that he had feelings for him.  Maybe that he had a crush? Do people even _have_ crushes when they’re college-aged?  Even if Rhodey already knew and was being polite about it.  
3\.  Stop drinking.  No.  Probably reduce drinking.  Or at least stop getting so drunk that he bummed cigarettes off of everyone and all his clothes smelled like smoke the next day.

Yeah.  That’s good.

*

Number one gets nixed when his parents die in a car crash.

*

The only question that Tony could form about the news of his parents dying was, “Wow.  Can I bottom out yet?”  Because no matter how many times he tried to process an emotional response, he just wanted to drink and have some substance make an emotion for him.  All the uninhibited emotions were unfocused anyway.  He thought about his mother, the one admittedly scared of him.  Who kept at an arm’s length of him most of the time.  He thought about his father, the really important inventor, yeah, but also the one that threw him away at seven.  The one that always screamed, but never beat him, and made him never, under any circumstances, be okay with who he was.  Memories tangled with each other and being sober was like trying to untangle all of these and make sense of his life.  How it lead him to this point.

“You’re free to do whatever you want now, dude,” he told himself.

For some reason, it made him want nothing more but to curl up in the bottle he had against his lips.

 

*

 

The funeral happened and Tony was propped up by a big, strong hand from Obie on one shoulder and smaller, stronger hand from Rhodey on the other.  As he tried to ignore the readings from some book in the Bible and the hymns that his mother apparently loved, he realized that this was one of the few times he could recall in his and Rhodey’s friendship that Rhodey touched him first in a public place.  Of course it would be at a double funeral.  Why would it be anything less depressing?

 

After going through a long line of acquaintances telling him that they send they’re sorry (a phenomenon that Tony never understood—why were they sorry?  Did they cause the accident?) and a repass that allowed people to eat, drink, and forget why they were there in the first place, Rhodey pulled Tony close and whispered, “Would you like to go?”

 

Tony thought about his list and unrolled it in his head.  No, he couldn’t achieve number one.  That was out for good.  But number two was still viable.  Number two was actually the most viable. 

 

“Yeah, I would.  Can you stay over, please?”

 

*

 

Rhodey didn’t expect Tony to pretend to be a good host.  Instead, he found some blankets in a closet Tony didn’t even know existed and set up a space on the couch for him.

 

“In college we used to always share a bed,” Tony said.  It was a fact.  That’s all it had to be.

 

“And you kicked me all the time,” Rhodey replied, “Do you know how weird it was having my suitemates catch us that one time?”

 

Tony smiled, almost surprised that his mouth could still work that way.  “I can imagine.”

 

“Also, doesn’t Obadiah have the keys to your apartment?  I don’t want to imagine what the guy keeping Stark Industries in tact until you inherit the business is going to think.”

 

“Oh my fucking God, shut up, Rhodey,” Tony mumbled.  He walked closer to him and tried to memorize the way Rhodey’s eyes squinted as he pressed his forehead against his.  How they widened as he brought his lips close.  How his skin felt against his fingers as he pressed his hands against the side of his neck 

 

Rhodey pulled back and attempted to put his hands on Tony’s shoulders.  “You… you’re in a real bad place, Tony.  Your parents are dead, you’re alone… I know… just…”

 

“I’m always alone,” Tony replied, feeling like Rhodey’s hands were burning through his shoulder pads.

 

“I… I know… I wasn’t disagreeing,” Rhodey whispered, his eye contact finally breaking with Tony’s.  “Just… I’m wondering… all the girls… is that for show?”

 

“No,” Tony replied, “Don’t be like that.  I’m not gay.  Please don’t… you know that’s not true.  I told you so many times that wasn’t true.  Rhodey, I’ve told you so much more than I ever told anyone… you know those aren’t lies.”

 

Rhodey sighed, finally turning his body away from Tony’s.  “Oh God.  I had a feeling.  Just… this complicates things.  Please understand that.”

 

Tony remembered how he was concerned that his parents dying was when he bottomed out.

 

Rhodey attempted to look at Tony from over his shoulder.  “It’s not going to be this way forever.  I just… I have a lot on the line.  You know that.  I just… I can’t get discharged from the Air Force.  You can respect that, right?”

 

“It’s… I don’t intend on coming out or anything,” Tony said, feeling a burning in his throat he attempted to swallow.

 

“I mean, you have a lot on the line, too.  I understand that.  It’s just that…” Rhodey shrunk back and groped for his duffle bag which was leaning against the couch. 

 

“Please don’t leave me,” Tony begged.  Suddenly, he was the too-young college student who constantly found himself curled up in the bigger, stronger, only friend he ever really had.

 

Rhodey straightened up and said, “Okay.  But… please let me just sleep in this room.  Can you let me do that?”

 

Tony nodded, because even though he was pretty sure this was bottoming out, even though he was pretty sure this was what it was like to truly have everything blow up in his face, he still held out hope that they could go back to the closeness they had when they were curled up in Rhodey’s bed.

 

*

 

By his next birthday he had only one thing on his mind as he went shot for shot with someone at the bar.  “Stop making lists for your birthday.”

 

*

 

Tony brought a man home a little after his nineteenth birthday.  It’s the first one since he graduated from MIT, the first one he’s kissed since Rhodey, and deemed that he was the 5.5th man he had been with (.5 going to the kiss with Rhodey).  He was an heir to a hotel chain or a restaurant or maybe that company that cans pineapple.  Whatever it was, he had just as much on the line as Tony.

 

“I didn’t know you were gay,” the heir whispered as he unbuttoned Tony’s shirt.

 

“I’m not gay,” Tony corrected, “I go both ways.”

 

“So you really are a whore,” the heir said, leaning in for a wet kiss on Tony’s neck.

 

Tony thought about screaming and shoving him off.  Then he remembered that nothing good could come out of someone being able to hurt him with this information, because he hurt them first.  Instead he said “Yeah, I guess” and disengaged himself as far as he could while still having the heir think that he was enjoying himself.

 

*

  

 

Obie found out about the heir through some rumor maze Tony doesn’t bother to figure out.

 

He entered Obie’s office and was fed a well-aged scotch as Obie leaned in too close to him and said, “Tony… Tony.  I know the past year has been very hard for you.  It’s been hard for me, too.”  He snaked his hand from over the desk and onto Tony’s.  “But I can’t lose you, too.”

 

Tony attempted to slip his hand out from Obie’s, but his grip tightened.  “I heard about Eric.”

 

Oh.  So that was his name.

 

“Tony, I mean, I know it was always a concern of your father’s… that you were a little different.  But with the amount of women I’ve heard about, I was hoping that it was just your father being too hard on you…”

 

Tony shut his eyes and wondered if he could will the alcohol could run faster through his bloodstream.

 

“…but you and I both know this isn’t want you want.  This is not only going to ruin you, but it’s going to ruin everything your father ever worked for.”

 

Tony gritted his teeth and said, “Please stop speaking about how great Dad was while you’re also pointing out how I never met any of his expectations.”  He launched up, finally feeling the alcohol kick into his system.

 

Obie reached out toward him.  “Tony, wait, about Eric…”

 

“Don’t worry about Eric.  It won’t happen again.”  He threw himself out of the room and slammed the door behind him.  He thought he heard his name through the door and refused to look back.

 

*

 

Rhodey appeared in his lab later that day.

 

When Tony attempted to storm out in response, Rhodey said, “I heard about your stunt earlier.  The more you dramatically leave a room, the less impact you’re going to make.”

 

Tony turned slowly around and said, “Did Obie ask you to do this?”

 

“I was conveniently in the area.  You should be thankful for my loyalty.”

 

Tony smiled for the first time in who knows how long.  “I really am, though.”

 

Rhodey walked closer to him and closed the door that Tony didn’t even remember grabbing the knob to.  He pressed his forehead against Tony’s and said, “How about we go back to your place, let you sober out, and maybe watch a movie or something?”

 

“Yeah… I’d really like that.”  And he realized that no, Rhodey was never going to have a relationship with him, but he wasn’t going to leave him, either.

 

**end**


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